Coercive control is when someone uses a pattern of abusive behaviours over time that hurt, humiliate, isolate, frighten or threaten another person in order to control or dominate them. It is an underlying pattern of behaviour that is seen in almost all instances of domestic and family violence, even in the absence of sexual or physical violence, and is often a precursor to more serious harm from the abusive person within intimate relationships.
The signs of coercive control can be subtle and complex to identify, as they may be silent, subtle, and barely perceptible unless viewed holistically over a period of time.
What is an example of coercive control?
Coercive control can manifest in various forms, often beginning subtly and evolving into a pattern that restricts a person’s independence and sense of safety. It might look like a partner restricting access to money or transport, isolating someone from friends or family, or making everyday decisions for them without consent. A common example is a partner monitoring phone activity, movements or spending in a way that creates fear of consequences for not complying.
Although there may be no physical violence, these behaviours erode freedom and confidence over time and leave a person feeling dependent, watched and unable to make decisions safely.
What are the signs of coercive control in a relationship?
Coercive control is a pattern of behaviours that restricts another person’s freedom, safety and independence. It often operates gradually through monitoring, threats, isolation and financial control. While it may not involve visible injuries, it creates an environment of fear and compliance that can be just as harmful as physical violence.
Coercive behaviour can be hard to define, and it can take many different forms that may not seem like abuse as an isolated incident. It's behaviour that makes the person it is directed at feel unsafe. In most cases, it occurs within an intimate partner relationship - but it can worsen during and after a relationship separation.
Eight signs of coercive control - what to look out for.
Warning signs may include isolation from friends or family, strict rules about spending, monitoring or surveillance, constant criticism, unpredictable anger, threats involving children or pets, or pressure to comply with demands. Over time, the victim may feel anxious, confused or dependent. These behaviours rarely appear overnight and usually escalate in frequency and intensity.
Here are some signs to be aware of, but even if your own experiences are not listed here, if you feel afraid or as if you are unable to make decisions in your best interests, it's time to get help.
1. Isolation from friends and family
Your partner makes you limit or even cut off contact with your friends and family, and chooses who you can and can't spend time with. The goal of this behaviour is to make you feel isolated from your loved ones and like you have no one to turn to for support or advice. This, in turn, makes you feel trapped. Isolation is often an early sign of domestic abuse.
2. Constant monitoring and lack of privacy
You may constantly be watched, or your privacy may be nonexistent. Your text messages or social media may be monitored. The abuser might control your basic needs and how they are met - such as how much you eat, when you sleep or when you exercise. While this can be disguised as 'caring,' it’s a way to exert control and shows a deep lack of trust.
3. Turning your children against you
If you have children with your abuser, they may use your children against you by making you appear as the bad parent, in or out of a relationship. They may threaten to take the children if you leave, create ongoing stress with co-parenting arrangements, avoid child support payments or use parental alienation tactics. These actions are designed to create fear and undermine your authority, autonomy and your relationship with your children.
4. Limited access to finances
Financial independence is important, but in an abusive relationship, one person often controls all the finances. Financial abuse can occur in many forms during a relationship - you may work and not be allowed to use your own money, or you may be made financially dependent on the abuser. This leaves you vulnerable and dependent on them, making it difficult for you to leave or make decisions independently. This type of abuse can also occur after a relationship ends, during property settlement, and via child support payments.
5. Constant criticism
You are constantly criticised, and over time, the negative comments erode your self-esteem and confidence. Repeated criticism can lead you to start believing the negative things being said about you. This is one of the most damaging factors over time, and often causes the victim to blame themselves instead of leaving.
6. Controlled sexual relationship
The abuser dictates when you have sex and what activities you perform, denying you any autonomy or say in the matter, and not seeking consent, which is sexual abuse. Making jealous accusations about relationships with co-workers, neighbours, and strangers may also occur. Constant questioning about sexual activities prior to the relationship is also common. This is a type of control that is sexual violence, which profoundly affects your sense of self and wellbeing.
7. Being responsible for all household duties
Your partner may force you to do all the household chores and domestic duties without taking any responsibility themselves. This imbalance in responsibilities can add to your stress and feelings of being undervalued. It may occur if you are financially dependent, but it can also occur when you work and are still made to do everything at home.
8. Doubting your own reality
The abuser gaslights you, making you question your own sanity, truth and experiences. This manipulation is designed to make you doubt yourself and your perceptions, leaving the abuser in control of the narrative and always appearing to be right. Often, it is not a single act, but rather a series of slow, small attempts to chip away at your confidence and self-esteem over time.
What personality type uses coercive control?
Coercive control can be employed by individuals with strong needs for dominance, entitlement or validation. It can occur in individuals with narcissistic, controlling or abusive behavioural traits, although it does not require a specific diagnosis. The common feature is a belief that controlling another person’s autonomy, choices, or environment is acceptable or necessary.
What are the three types of coercion?
Coercion generally falls into three categories of abuse, which are :
• Emotional or psychological coercion, such as threats, guilt or intimidation, or manipulation involving fear, shame or undermining self-esteem
• Financial or behavioural coercion, like restrictions on movement, communication or access to resources
• Physical or threat-based coercion, including threats of harm or damaging property
These methods often appear together and can create an environment where a person feels unable to make safe or independent decisions.
The interplay with physical violence
Coercive control is recognised as a common precursor to physical violence. Research consistently shows that coercive and controlling patterns often appear before physical assaults begin in many family and domestic violence situations. In many cases, the psychological control continues between incidents of physical harm, maintaining the abuser’s dominance and increasing the risk of escalation.
Several Australian states and territories have introduced or are implementing laws that recognise coercive control as a form of family violence. These laws aim to protect individuals earlier, acknowledge patterns of behaviour rather than single incidents and strengthen responses within police and court systems. Requirements and definitions vary by jurisdiction, so professional advice is recommended.
Legal remedies for coercive control under Victorian law
In Victoria, coercive control is recognised under the Family Violence Protection Act 2008, where it is defined as part of family violence in a legal and civil context. Coercive, controlling or dominating behaviour is explicitly covered by the Act, including both non-physical and physical abuse. Legislation has not yet criminalised coercive control in Victoria as a standalone offence, as it has in some other Australian states, though the issue is under ongoing discussion.
Victoria provides protection through the Family Violence Protection Act 2008, which recognises coercive and controlling behaviour as a form of family violence. People experiencing these behaviours can apply for a Family Violence Intervention Order through the Magistrates Court. Orders can include exclusion from the home, restrictions on contact, safety conditions and urgent interim orders where necessary.
Intersect with family law, divorce and co-parenting
Coercive control can significantly affect parenting arrangements, property decisions and court proceedings. It may influence risk assessments, safety considerations, communication expectations and the viability of shared care. Courts prioritise the safety and welfare of children, and evidence of coercive control is taken seriously. Legal advice can help you understand how these behaviours may affect your matter.
If you are addressing other family law matters, such as parenting or property settlement, it's important to let your support network and lawyer know that this dynamic exists and take steps to protect yourself during the legal process.
Steps to manage coercive control
While every situation is different, these steps provide a practical starting point for recognising risks and planning support.
1. Recognise the signs
Look for patterns like isolation from friends or family, monitoring of movements, financial restriction, intimidation, threats, put-downs, or forced dependence. Coercive control is often gradual and can be harder to spot than physical violence.
2. Create a safety plan
Plan for safe exits, emergency contacts, secure storage of essential documents, code words with trusted people and safe devices for communication. Safety plans can be adapted over time, whether you intend to stay for now or prepare to leave.
2. Keep a diary of concerning behaviour
Coercive control often shows up as many small but persistent behaviours rather than one clear incident. If it is safe to do so, keep a record of concerning incidents, messages, financial limitations, injuries or threats. This can help you recognise what is happening and provide helpful information for legal, counselling or safety planning purposes.
3. Strengthen your support network
Connecting with trusted friends, family, health professionals, or specialist services can make a significant difference. A support network provides emotional reassurance, practical help and a safe place to check in when things feel confusing or overwhelming. Connection helps reduce isolation and can provide practical backup if a situation escalates. It also ensures you are not managing the situation alone.
4. Work with people who understand coercive control
It is essential to seek guidance from professionals who recognise coercive control and understand how it appears in daily life and in family law matters. Lawyers, Domestic and family violence services, social workers and counsellors familiar with these patterns can help you document incidents, plan safely, and help you understand options, including intervention orders, safety measures and available support.
5. Consider legal protections
If relevant, discuss options such as domestic violence orders, police involvement or access to crisis services. These steps can help establish boundaries and formal protection where appropriate.
6. Look after your emotional wellbeing
Coercive control causes significant stress and psychological harm. Counselling, peer support groups and grounding strategies can help rebuild confidence and self-trust.
7. Understand the long-term effects
Experiencing coercive control can have deep and lasting effects. Many people continue to feel the impact months or even years after leaving the relationship, and children can also be affected by ongoing fear, uncertainty or exposure to controlling behaviour. Emotional support and professional guidance are important throughout and after the separation process.
Guiding you to a better future
Here at Eliza Legal, we are experienced in advising on matters that relate to coercive control and family violence. Our experienced lawyers will work with you to minimise the impact of family violence on you, your children and other family members by offering advice on and guidance through the end of a relationship.
Eliza Legal is a leading family law firm based on the Mornington Peninsula, dedicated to providing tailored legal services with compassion and integrity. Contact us today and to find out how we can support you.
Seeking support
Recognising and understanding the broader scope of coercive control is essential in addressing and preventing family violence effectively. While it is becoming better known due to increased media coverage in recent years, there is still a general lack of understanding, which can serve as a barrier to those in this situation or trying to escape it.
Support is available through counselling, legal advice, specialist family violence services and emergency assistance if safety is at risk. Speaking with a GP, psychologist, or family lawyer can help you understand your options, including safety planning, reporting, applying for protection orders, and accessing community supports. Help is available whether you are unsure, worried or in immediate danger.
If you are experiencing family violence or coercive control, it is important to seek help. The following organisations offer support and guidance:
- 1800RESPECT (National Sexual Assault, Domestic Family Violence Counselling Service): 24/7 support via phone or online chat.
Phone: 1800 737 732
Website: www.1800respect.org.au - Safe Steps (Family Violence Response Centre): Provides support for people experiencing family violence in Victoria.
Phone: 1800 015 188
Website: www.safesteps.org.au - MensLine Australia: Support for men who are victims of family violence or experiencing emotional distress.
Phone: 1300 789 978
Website: www.mensline.org.au - Respect: Provides information on coercive control and other forms of family violence, including support options.
Website:www.respect.gov.au - Magistrates Court of Victoria: Provides information about Family Violence Intervention Orders.
Website:www.mcv.vic.gov.au/intervention-orders
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